So, you’ve found yourself surrounded by football fever - again. And this time it’s not just any match. England’s Lionesses, the reigning European champions, are roaring back into the UEFA Women’s EURO semi-finals tonight, facing off against Italy. It’s patriotic. It’s passionate. It’s loud. And if your heart beats only for curtain calls, killer choreography and hair-raising numbers, you may be feeling a bit… out of your depth.
But fear not, we have the official guide to pretending you love football, while you’re secretly dreaming of the West End.
The stage is set
Imagine the match like Evita at the London Palladium - spectacle, politics, emotion, and controversy. Let’s be clear: the England v Italy semi-final isn’t like opening night (there have been a number of thrilling performances before this one, nobody’s here for polite applause and easy standing o’s). No, this is one of those events where everyone’s a critic. Armchair referees, shirt-clad superfans, and your cousin who suddenly thinks she could coach (read: direct) the national team better than Sarina Wiegman (spoiler: she couldn’t).
Still, there's something wildly theatrical about it all: the anticipation, the momentum shifts, the unpredictability of a last-minute twist. Think Ghost Stories or Wicked, just when you think it's all wrapped up, bam, Act Two changes everything.
Following the plot
If you can't tell the difference between a free kick and a kick ball change, start simple. Pick a player and make her your main character, her actions are the narrative arc of the piece. Someone like Hannah Hampton in goal - dependable, sharp, high-stakes pressure. She’s your heroine. She’s the last line of her country’s defence. She’s Jean Valjean in gloves and a ponytail.
When you’re watching with others, nod seriously and say things like, “She’s really holding the whole thing together,” or, “This team’s chemistry rivals Satine and Christian!” No one will question you (much).
Need to express excitement but have no clue why people are screaming? Think pantomime. There’s a long British tradition of shouting without context. Channel it. You boo the baddie in Jack and the Beanstalk without needing to know his backstory, the same rules apply here. When England score, leap up like you’ve just found out you've just bagged front row tickets to The Great Gatsby and in a few moments Jamie Muscato will be just a few feet away from you.
Football chat translated
You know how people say Shakespeare invented half the English language? Football fans seem to have done the other half, and none of it makes any sense unless you're fluent in Match of the Day. Luckily, here’s a cheat sheet for converting the football talk into something a bit more theatre:
First half = Act one
Half time = Interval
Second half = Act two
Manager = Director
Referee = Stage manager (but meaner)
Substitution = Understudy
VAR (video assisted referee) = Jamie Llyod’s camera operator
Offside = An actor missed their cue and are still in the wings
Yellow card = unwrapping sweets loudly
Red card = Talking or being on the phone during a show
What if I actually start to enjoy it?
Here’s the thing they don’t tell you: football and theatre aren’t that different. Both are live, unpredictable, and absolutely nothing without their audience. The England-Italy match will have stakes, stars, and probably a few tears. Sound familiar? It’s like The Fifth Step in boots.
There’s also the undeniable joy of shared experience. Much like the final megamix in SIX or the gasps during Till The Stars Come Down, sharing the emotions of the big match with friends feels theatrical.
And when someone says, “Wasn’t that header incredible?” you can nod, sip your wine, and say, “A real showstopper.” You’ll fit right in.